Far Away

Ever been in a dark place so long that it becomes a way of life? Always winter...no sunshine, only rain and clouds. Sucks. That's kind of where I am now. I feel so out of touch. I feel far away from God now and am having a difficult time reaching out to Him. I feel like my spiritual well has been drained.

I took a break from attending church a few months ago because I start having panic attacks and depression set in. Most days I only get out of bed for my daughters. My internal suffering shouldn't be cast on their backs, so I have to wear a smile for them even when I'm crying inside. I went to church the past few weeks hoping there would be a breakthrough in my spirit. As I sat, I watched and heard the other chruch-goers worship and appear moved and spiritual. I felt nothing. Like a fish out of water, I felt out of place, like I didn't belong there. I heard the pastor preach his sermons and tried to listen, but a million thoughts swam through my head, so I couldn't focus on the messages. I sang along during worship and felt nothing. It's like I've had a spiritual breakdown.

I know God is there...somewhere. Why can't I feel His presence? Have I been so hurt and jaded by people in my life that I anticipate God will hurt me too? How do I find my way back to God? He says He'll never leave or forsake me, so have I forsaken Him? Is my hurt so important to me that I rather hold on to it than to promises of goodness God made me? Do I choose to hold on to my pain because I don't think I deserve joy? Do I cry because it's easier than smiling? Do I turn on the TV or music to drown out the noise in my head instead of opening my Bible because I don't want to confront my issues?

So many questions. The answers are too much for me to digest at this moment. Even typing this post is a bit overwhelming for me, so chances are it'll be posted in rough draft form...sorry. God is there. I suspect I feel too broken to let Him fix me. I know my problems aren't bigger than His power or love. I just have to learn to accept God's love and help. I'm used to doing everything by myself, without help, so it's hard for me to accept help from others-even from God. All I can do now is pray. I must continue to tell God how I feel. Lost. Tired. Sad. Confused. Frustrated. Hurt. Far far away. But I shall not disgard my faith. I trust God is there and loves me. He's waiting with His arms stretched wide for me to let him cradle and love on me. He's waiting for me. I guess I need to answer the question what am I waiting for?

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. ~Psalm 139:7-8

Shhh!

Alarm buzzers. T.V. Microwave dings. Refrigerator door opening and closing. Summons from the kids. Water running.  Toilets flushing. Music blaring. Cars, trucks and other automobiles. Phones ringing. Chit chatter. Copy machines. Printers. Tippity taps on keyboards. Laughter. Crying. Screaming. Feet running on the hardwood floors. Toys and gadgets.  Birds chirping. Dogs barking. Trees blowing in the wind. 

Noises. So many sources of sound surround me. I don’t like loud noises. I can’t tolerate multiple sounds at the same time. I hear everything around me. My eyesight isn’t too good, but man, I swear I have bionic ears. It’s a curse and a blessing. If someone talks to me, I’m easily distracted by all the other things that simultaneously make noise or move about. It confuses me sometimes. My attention will actually turn from the person talking to me to the bird that just landed in the tress and decided to chirp. Then I get a bewildered look on my face and the person I’m talking to surely thinks I’ve gone nuts.  It makes it difficult for me to hold a conversation for any stretch of time. The only noise I actively seek is the sound of the T.V. at night before I go to bed and as I sleep. At 3:01 every morning the cable automatically shuts off. Like clockwork, at 3:02, my body tells me it’s time to wake up to turn the T.V. back on (I can’t figure out how to change the settings so it won’t go off).  If I’m just kicking back and watching T.V., the volume is kept fairly low. When it’s too loud, I hear all the background noises and it drives me crazy.

Now, you’ll have to forgive me because this post is taking a completely different direction than originally intended. I was going to write about my fabulous quiet day off work last Friday, but as I started this paragraph, I was slapped with this thought…

With so many distractions, sounds, and attention grabbers, I struggle sometimes, well if I’m honest, often times, with discerning God’s voice speaking to me. No, not an actual audible voice--I don’t think I’m mature enough in my relationship with God to have an experience like that. One such experience might land me in someone’s Psych Ward. Instead, I’m talking about that still small voice within that speaks when I seek comfort, guidance, or an answer from God. When I ask God if I should go left or right, stay or move, when I get an answer, how do I know if it’s God’s voice, my flesh, or other outward influences?

In my quest to have a closer relationship with God and remain in His will, I’ve learned discerning His voice isn’t necessarily as difficult as I tend to perceive it to be. Numerous scholars, theologians, pastors, teachers, etc. have spent years researching this very subject. I’m no scholar; in fact, I’m a college drop out. But I’m convinced I have the short form answer to learning to discern God’s voice. Stay with me, I think I can cover this in one paragraph…

Shut up. Listen. Verify. Yep, I said two words that are forbidden in my house…shut up! Shut your mouth and be quiet. Turn off all the distractions. Spend alone time with God. It’s hard to hear when you’re running your mouth. After all, your mouth shares a face with your ears-they’re only inches apart…I guarantee the words you speak out of your mouth will be the first thing your ears will hear. Listen. When you and your surroundings are quiet, you begin to hear things that you wouldn’t otherwise necessarily hear. I frequently tell my kids “you can’t listen to me if you’re talking at the same time I am.” It works that way with God. I can’t imagine all the times I didn’t hear what God was telling me because I was too busy running my mouth or distracted by other things. I think God is always having a conversation with us, but sometimes that conversation is one-sided because we ignore Him. I think the consequences of not hearing God are the same whether the action of ignoring Him is deliberate or accidental. Verify. So, I heard a voice and I think it was a message from God, but how do I know for certain? Everything God tells us can be confirmed by His Word, our guidebook, the Bible. God will never give us a message that goes against what the Bible says. Never. It’s so important to delve into the Word of God. Get to know what it says. Read it. Study it. Live by it. Use it as a roadmap for this journey of life.

See, I told you, one paragraph (a long paragraph that should have probably been three)! I needed this message to remind me to be quiet and listen to God. Is there more to the study of discerning God’s voice? Absolutely. But I like to keep things simple. Not to discount anyone’s in-depth study on this topic, but sometimes in order to learn something and commit it to memory and practice, complex parts must be broken into smaller pieces to be absorbed. I wouldn’t give you a block of tofu (steak for all you meat-eaters) and expect you to swallow it in one breath. A normal person would cut the tofu (steak) into smaller pieces to consume. Well, that’s what I just attempted to do with this very complicated subject of knowing God’s voice. Hopefully it worked. Now, shut up and listen!

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance…” 

-Proverbs 1:5 (NIV)  

 

Another Year Older

33 years, 12,045 days and counting. My birthday was last week. I’m inching closer and closer to mid-thirties day by day. Before I know it, I’ll be 40. Then 50. Middle age. Then the grave? So much to look forward to.  If 78.2 is the average life expectancy, then technically shouldn’t 39.1 be considered middle age?  I suppose I should get through my thirty-third year before I start planning my funeral, huh?

I am aging. I have many visible strands of gray hairs. I find myself “mustaching” every other week. I have hair growing in places hair follicles don’t belong. My hands hurt. Carpal Tunnel? Arthritis? I don’t know, but I find myself struggling to take the cap off the toothpaste tube every now and again.  I’m almost certain I have restless leg syndrome and/or deep vein thrombosis. I don’t hear or see as well as I did last year. I have at least one or two pimples on my chin and cheek almost constantly. Blemishes. Stupid, stubborn blemishes. I have a collection of age defying, collagen producing, pore reducing, blemish removing, and sun blocking cleansers and moisturizers (lies, all lies…not one of them works). If I don’t wear makeup, people ask “what’s wrong, are you sick?  tired?” or “you don’t look so good.” Way to boost my confidence, right? My once small, endearing, and adorable tummy pooch is constantly bloated. I get heartburn after eating spicy foods. There’s a possibility I’m pre-menopausal. I’m no longer the only 80’s baby in the office. My feet swell. In fact, they are swollen right now. I forget everything. If I don’t write it, it didn’t happen. At least once a day, I lose my glasses on my head. At least twice a week I lock myself inside the car or leave the house keys in the lock-outside. There are days when I think my brain is rapidly deteriorating. If I make it to the life expectancy age of 78.2, I have at least 45.2 years of further physical and mental deterioration to look forward to. Ain’t life grand? Is it too soon to start taking Centrum Silver?

This may be depressing for some. Admittedly, it’s a little depressing to me when I think of all the ways I’m aging at once…I can take it in small doses (finding one new gray hair a month, not so bad. Finding two new gray hairs, a new wrinkle, and fat swollen feet on the same day, is just heartbreaking). But for the most part, I’m okay with the aging process, honestly. Some days I even embrace it. It reminds me of all I’ve overcome, everything I’ve survived. I’ve survived a lot. I was born fighting and have the scars on my chest, wrist, and ankle to prove it. I’ll continue to fight until God calls my number. 

I’ve experienced more than my fair share of heartache and heartbreak. I buried a baby. I watched my marriage crumble to pieces. I’m raising two children on my own. I’ve gained and lost many things. I’ve had to start over more times than I’d like to admit. I’ve experienced success and failure. I’ve dreamed and let dreams die. There were times I lost my way and my faith. I’ve cried. A million tears I’ve cried. I’ve laughed, but not nearly as much as I’ve cried. There were periods in my life when I operated in total fear and darkness. Most of my adult life I allowed others to dictate my actions instead of making my own decisions. All my life, I endeavored to please others, rarely doing things that brought me pleasure. My time on this planet seems to have been consumed by trouble after trouble since I was a babe. Most of my life, my circumstances dictated my feelings and my feelings dictated my actions. What a difference a year makes…

As I reflect over the last year of my life, I see tremendous growth. I learned to depend on God. I realized I don’t have to be superwoman. I learned how to not only accept help, but to ask for it when I need it. I don’t act on feelings as often as I did before. I’ve learned to SPLAW (Stop, Pray, Listen, then Act Wisely). I realized that it’s okay to be me-I even learned to like my natural, tightly coiled, thick hair (maybe I’ll learn to manage it this year!). I discovered the power of saying “no” and establishing boundaries. I now know how to be confortable in my skin. I can look in the mirror and see me as God does without tearing me down by pointing out every flaw or comparing myself to others.  I practiced my faith by putting my trust in God and relying on Him instead of man. I distanced myself from negative relationships while I worked on building new friendships. I’m a work in progress on that last one…I’m not exactly a social butterfly, I’m quite socially challenged. 

Over the course of the year ahead, I look forward to growing up even more. I can hardly wait to see what grand things are in store for me. I expect some big deal good stuff to happen. I have some goals I hope to accomplish and I’m ready to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty. I look forward to year 33. Oh the possibilities! 33 will be a great year. Who knows, this might be the year I suspend my hiatus from the gym and get back in there to work on losing those 20 pounds I managed to gain over that past six months!

Set Apart

I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. John 17:14-17 (NIV)

I’m so grateful to have a good job with good pay and benefits, especially at a time when so many people are out of work and scarcely getting by. But man, there are days at work when I just want to go off and tell folks how I really feel about them. My office environment is very negative. There’s cursing all day, confrontations, and gossip. Like the high school years I hated oh so much, there are cliques: the mean girls, the favorites/brownnosers, the popular group, the trouble makers, the jocks, the custody staff, and the medical staff. Like in high school, I don’t really fit into any of those groups (yes, I was that kid who spent lunch hiding in the Library or in some teacher’s classroom-the only difference is about 15 years and I now eat lunch at my desk or in my car). Did I mention I hated high school? I hated high school. Just like in high school, I feel like I don’t fit in my work environment.

If that’s not bad enough, we’re activating a new facility and are working in a temporary office space. It’s noisy, stuffy, crowded, messy, disorganized, and it stinks. There’s a lot of fakery, backstabbing, teasing, stressing, and complaining. Drama. Rarely a quiet moment. I usually can’t hear myself think, let alone take a phone call because there are always at least 50 other conversations going on at the same time and people don’t seem to know how to use their inside voices...in a room about the size of a small classroom. Yup, I’m there five days a week, eight hours a day. Yippee!!!

This week has been particularly rough for me. By the end of the workday yesterday, I was so frustrated, my head was spinning and I took the stress of work home with me. Daily, I find myself complaining. I sometimes feel like I’m being sucked into all the negativity. I ask God what’s His purpose for me at work. My current job definitely isn’t my calling or the place where my career will end-it’s just what I have to do to pay the bills for now. But I know I’m there for a reason. Read on…I’m not just venting, I’m actually going somewhere with this...I hope.

Tonight, I intended to write about authority, but I was lead to John 17 instead. Verses 14-17 grabbed my attention. Before Jesus was arrested, He prayed. He prayed for himself, His disciples, and the believers. I was a bit taken aback wondering why Jesus didn’t pray that we be taken out of the world to heaven with Him. So, I read it again, and again, and again. It slowly sunk in after reading it several times.

Maybe, just maybe, the all-knowing Jesus prayed the perfect prayer for us. I believe God gets more glory when He protects His children from Satan’s attacks rather than simply removing us from his shooting range. As believers, we live in this world but are not of it. In essence we’re foreigners.  Our origin is a godly one because our Father is God. This world isn’t all gumdrops and rainbows; it’s a cruel, crude world-Satan’s playground. Our purpose in this world is to be examples of Christ to those around us-our families, friends, classmates, coworkers, the cashier at the grocery store, that mean woman who never smiles, and the grumpy old man.

John 17:17 says, “Sanctify them by the truth. Your word is the truth.” To sanctify is to set apart. When we live according the word, we live according to a greater standard of goodness than the world does, and that sets us apart. We’re equipped with everything we need to survive the world and not be pulled into all its madness. We have the word. God protects us with His word. God’s word guards our hearts and guides our steps. Are we living to blend in with the world, or do we endeavor to live up to God’s standards?  Each day we must remind ourselves that we are sanctified and our actions should reflect that- whether at work, in the car, at the store, or at home.  Even when we’re surrounded by constant negativity and darkness, we are called to be positive examples and the light in this world.

Wherever we go, whatever we do, someone is watching. We must ask ourselves, what do people see when they see me? What does God see when He looks upon me? Am I living a life set apart or have I conformed to this world? If we’re completely honest most of us can do better and have some work to do. I pray the people in the world around me see Christ in me and that I never forget that living in this world doesn’t mean I have to imitate it. May my desire to be like Christ and learn His word never wan. Jesus knew our temporary home would be this world and He prayed protection and sanctification over us until we make it to heaven. I trust God answered His Son’s prayer; it’s our job to live like that.

"There's Someone I Want You to Meet"

 “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows who the Son is except the Father, and no one knows who the Father is except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.” –Luke 10:22 (NIV)

Do you remember the first time you brought that special someone home to meet the folks? If you’re like most, you didn’t bring home some guy you were just playing the dating game with to meet the family. No-no, this guy was special. He had everything you desired in a mate. You made long-term plans with him and intended to spend the rest of your life with him. Surely he would meet Mom’s high expectations and Dad’s nearly impossible standards. This man was extraordinary, the one you chose and hoped Mom, Dad, and the rest of the family would welcome with open arms.

Have you had fortune of being the one deemed special enough to meet the family? I have. And, oh. Honey, let me teeellll you...there are times when meeting the parents might be all kinds of red flags and sirens ringing. Meeting the mom on a first date…red flag. Meeting your college boyfriend’s mom at school because oddly enough, she sits next to you in Literature class…red flag (and AWKWARD!!). Meeting the mom of the 30-something you’re dating because he still lives with her...red flag, yellow flag, blue flag, checkered flag…RUN!!! Since this isn’t a post warning about who not to date, I’ll move along…

Imagine a bride-to-be being introduced to her future husband’s family for the first time. Aside from being a bit nerve-racking, how incredibly special and set apart she must feel knowing her man thinks so highly of her that he takes her home to meet the people whose opinions matter most to him. The people with whom he shares the most intimate relationships with-his parents, his family. The relationship is solidified, it’s officially official. The bride-to-be begins to form relationships with his loved ones and his family becomes her family.  

In the Bible, the church is referred to as the bride and Jesus the bridegroom.  Envision a day, long before creation began (see Ephesians 1:4), our Groom, Jesus, went to God, His Father and said: “Father, there is someone I want you to meet. This is                          (insert your name).  She is THE one. I’m madly in love with her and intend to spend the rest of my life with her. I will sacrifice my life to save hers. I will do anything for her. She means the world to me and I’ll step outside our heavenly kingdom to earth and endure the worst kind of persecution, ridicule, betrayal, and even death to make her my bride. Father, she is more than special, she is worth more than the very air I breathe. I want to give her the moon, the stars, and all her heart desires. What’s mine will be hers. No good thing will I withhold from her. Now, please let’s welcome her into our royal family so that one day she can wear a crown and be my queen and your daughter.”

I get chills picturing such an exchange between Father and Son--all for little ol' me.  How extraordinarily special I feel knowing Jesus chose to take and introduce me to His Father, declaring His intent to make me His bride. He welcomed me in and made me part of His family. I love the Message Bible’s version of Luke 10:22: “I’ve been given it all by my Father! Only the Father knows who the Son is and only the Son knows who the Father is. The Son can introduce the Father to anyone He wants to.” Jesus chose to introduce us to His Father.  Jesus chose us to be His bride. How awesome is that!?! It’s hard to fathom all the privileges that come with being the bride of Christ: all kinds of authority comes with bearing Jesus’s name, we share in His kingdom, we’re promised peace, joy and life everlasting. Oh, I can go on all day listing privileges of being Christ’s bride. He personally went to the Father and sought to welcome us into the majestic family. With outstretched arms and a crown of thorns, Jesus proposed to you and me an unbreakable, everlasting union. I’ve accepted His proposal; I’m part of the royalist royal family. Are you?

“Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready.” -Revelation 19:7 (NIV)

 

Faith Fights

Faith Fights

When the world tells me God isn’t there,

Faith fights.
When my circumstances scream He doesn’t care,
Faith fights.
When the ground around me crumbles and shakes,
Faith fights.
When my peace and joy Satan tries to take,
Faith fights.
When those I love say goodbye,
Faith fights.
When I cry so much my tears run dry,
Faith fights.
When I give all I have but they expect more,
Faith fights.
When I pray and pray and feel ignored,
Faith fights.

Faith fights.

Faith is the shield that guards my heart.

Faith is the power by which mountains part.

Faith is belief in the One I can’t see.
Faith knows without Him there’s no me.

Though my faith waivers from time to time,

His faithfulness holds me and keeps me in line.

Faith is not mild, timid, or weak;
Faith is the authority by which I speak;
Faith is firm, steadfast, and meek.

Faith fights through the struggles, storms, and tears;
Faith is more powerful than my fears;
Faith reminds me God is near.

I believe it’s written so true it must be.
I’ll fight the fight of faith trusting God’s faithfulness will fight for me.  

-DN 3.13.13