I am aging. I have many visible strands of gray hairs. I find myself “mustaching” every other week. I have hair growing in places hair follicles don’t belong. My hands hurt. Carpal Tunnel? Arthritis? I don’t know, but I find myself struggling to take the cap off the toothpaste tube every now and again. I’m almost certain I have restless leg syndrome and/or deep vein thrombosis. I don’t hear or see as well as I did last year. I have at least one or two pimples on my chin and cheek almost constantly. Blemishes. Stupid, stubborn blemishes. I have a collection of age defying, collagen producing, pore reducing, blemish removing, and sun blocking cleansers and moisturizers (lies, all lies…not one of them works). If I don’t wear makeup, people ask “what’s wrong, are you sick? tired?” or “you don’t look so good.” Way to boost my confidence, right? My once small, endearing, and adorable tummy pooch is constantly bloated. I get heartburn after eating spicy foods. There’s a possibility I’m pre-menopausal. I’m no longer the only 80’s baby in the office. My feet swell. In fact, they are swollen right now. I forget everything. If I don’t write it, it didn’t happen. At least once a day, I lose my glasses on my head. At least twice a week I lock myself inside the car or leave the house keys in the lock-outside. There are days when I think my brain is rapidly deteriorating. If I make it to the life expectancy age of 78.2, I have at least 45.2 years of further physical and mental deterioration to look forward to. Ain’t life grand? Is it too soon to start taking Centrum Silver?
This may be depressing for some. Admittedly, it’s a little
depressing to me when I think of all the ways I’m aging at once…I can take it
in small doses (finding one new gray hair a month, not so bad. Finding two new
gray hairs, a new wrinkle, and fat swollen feet on the same day, is just
heartbreaking). But for the most part, I’m okay with the aging process,
honestly. Some days I even embrace it. It reminds me of all I’ve overcome, everything
I’ve survived. I’ve survived a lot. I was born fighting and have the scars on
my chest, wrist, and ankle to prove it. I’ll continue to fight until God calls
my number.
I’ve experienced more than my fair share of heartache and
heartbreak. I buried a baby. I watched my marriage crumble to pieces. I’m
raising two children on my own. I’ve gained and lost many things. I’ve had to
start over more times than I’d like to admit. I’ve experienced success and
failure. I’ve dreamed and let dreams die. There were times I lost my way and my
faith. I’ve cried. A million tears I’ve cried. I’ve laughed, but not nearly as
much as I’ve cried. There were periods in my life when I operated in total fear
and darkness. Most of my adult life I allowed others to dictate my actions
instead of making my own decisions. All my life, I endeavored to please others,
rarely doing things that brought me pleasure. My time on this planet seems to
have been consumed by trouble after trouble since I was a babe. Most of my
life, my circumstances dictated my feelings and my feelings dictated my
actions. What a difference a year makes…
As I reflect over the last year of my life, I see tremendous
growth. I learned to depend on God. I realized I don’t have to be superwoman. I
learned how to not only accept help, but to ask for it when I need it. I don’t
act on feelings as often as I did before. I’ve learned to SPLAW (Stop, Pray, Listen,
then Act Wisely). I realized that it’s okay to be me-I even learned to like my
natural, tightly coiled, thick hair (maybe I’ll learn to manage it this year!).
I discovered the power of saying “no” and establishing boundaries. I now know
how to be confortable in my skin. I can look in the mirror and see me as God
does without tearing me down by pointing out every flaw or comparing myself to
others. I practiced my faith by putting
my trust in God and relying on Him instead of man. I distanced myself from
negative relationships while I worked on building new friendships. I’m a work
in progress on that last one…I’m not exactly a social butterfly, I’m quite socially
challenged.
Over the course of the year ahead, I look forward to growing
up even more. I can hardly wait to see what grand things are in store for me. I
expect some big deal good stuff to happen. I have some goals I hope to
accomplish and I’m ready to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty. I look
forward to year 33. Oh the possibilities! 33 will be a great year. Who knows,
this might be the year I suspend my hiatus from the gym and get back in there
to work on losing those 20 pounds I managed to gain over that past six months!
