Alone? Not So Much.

I am a single mom of two beautiful girls…Mo & Mal. My girls are with me every waking moment except the when they’re at school and I’m at work, and the occasional visit to Grandma’s or Auntie’s house. Mo & Mal are by far the most important people in my life and I love them more than words can express. As a single mom, I suffer from what I call “single mom pride.” It’s this unreasonable expectation that pretty much says: as the head of my household, I am responsible for everything that makes a home function; I've gotta climb on chairs or step-stools to change light bulbs, I take the garbage out, I pay all the bills without any financial support beyond the monthly paycheck I earn, I pay my girls’ private school tuition, I fix things when they break, heck, I've even changed an electrical outlet-all these things I must do on my own without asking for help. If I have to ask for help, it shows a sign of weakness, and how dare I allow anyone to see me weak and vulnerable. 

I work so hard to fulfill both parenting roles (which by the way is impossible) that I tend overcompensate in some areas and unwittingly neglect others. More often than not, I run on fumes and Monster energy drinks. When I don’t have time or energy to do things I want to do with my children or have quality me time, I get mad (but, I won’t get into that…perhaps a future blog post). I also get lonely.

This past weekend, I felt especially lonely. I got pretty sick. I stayed in bed for three days, only getting up to take the girls to school and feed them. My house didn't get cleaned, I don’t remember cooking, I didn't go to work. My mom and sister tried to talk me into going to the doctor, but being the stubborn woman I am, I shrugged off their suggestions and convinced myself that I was fine. Turns out, I was wrong. Kind of.

One reason I didn't want to go to the doctor was because of my girls. I worried that if I went to the doctor, they’d find something wrong and keep me there. If I was held at the hospital, where would my girls go, who would take care of them for me? Who would make sure Mal gets takes her medicine? Who will give my girls their hugs and kisses? Who would remind Mo to lotion up and sign her daily agenda? Who will feed them healthy meals?  Mo's almost out of clean uniforms and Mal is low on clean undies...who will do their laundry? All those I’m-so-alone-there’s-no-one-here-to-help-me worries.

Turns out, I worried for nothing. When I needed help, help came flooding in. Coworkers’ made sure I got to the doctor. My Mom and Bro-in-Law drove about 50 miles to pick my girls up from school, pick me up from the doctor’s office (Mom even got out of the front sit to let me sit there, while she tolerated being in the crammed in the backseat with the girls), picked up my car (which Mom drove my because she didn't think I was in any condition to drive). When we arrived home, I uncomfortably watched my Mom and Bro tidy up around my messy house. Bro played with the girls and Mom packed Mal’s bag and took her home with her for a few days to give me time to rest (and probably to give me and Mom bonding time).

I’m not alone. There are people in my life that will do just about anything to help me out. Even when I feel help is far away, I know my people will do what they can to help when I’m in need. I hope they know I’d do the same for them in heartbeat.

Happy Birthday!

Well my friends, last week your girl celebrated another birthday. Yup, I'm inching closer and closer to middle age. Bring it! This last year I learned more about myself. I confronted some of my issues head on. I stepped outside of my box. I grow up some. Before you know it, I'll be completely grown and even more sassy! Watch out!!

The ironic thing is the older I get, the younger I feel. Yes, you read that right. I feel younger than I did ten years ago when I was in my mid-twenties. I'm learning the secret to aging with grace. I found the fountain of youth. Because I'm such a generous person, I'm gonna let you in on the secret...but shhh, let's keep this between us, between friends...we can't go around spilling youthful beans to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes our way **wink, wink...**

Darlene's keys for graceful aging (in no particular order):

• Drink plenty of water;
• Vitamin B12;
• Exercise (use you gym membership at least once every three months!!)
• Take a brisk walk at least four times a week...rain or shine;
• Let your hair down...tight ponytails and up-dos all the time can be constricting;
• Pray, pray, pray;
• Serve God;
• Serve others;
• Make time for yourself;
• Don't worry, choose happy;
• Small stuff is small for a reason...don't sweat it;
• Learn that you can't control other people or their actions;
• Control yourself and your actions;
• Smile;
• LOL...crooked teeth and all;
• Release...don't hold on tight to issues that weigh you down, let it out, vent;
• Cry...tears are good for the soul--happy tears or sad tears will do;
• Be a good friend;
• Forgive anyone who hurts you, angers you, or otherwise wrongs you. When we forgive, we let go of extra weight and release the power of God's forgiveness for ourselves;
• Forgive yourself...we're human, imperfect, we mess up...forgive yourself and move on;
• Don't act out guilt. Guilt is a form of punishment. 
• Confess your screw-ups, ask for forgiveness, and do better next time;
• Learn from your mistakes;
• Learn from the mistakes of others;
• Shut up and listen;
• Don't judge others;
• See a need, meet a need;
• Watch Golden Girls (I challenge you to a Golden Girls trivia battle);
• Turn of the T.V. (after you watch Golden Girls);
• Turn up the music;
• Dance...even if you got no rhythm!
• Stop, think, then act;
• Reward yourself;
• Set goals and commit to success;
• Fear not;
• Love everyone...even if you have to love from a distance;
• Collect nature...leaves, sticks, rocks, flowers;
• Get some sun;
• Wear flip-flops.

That's enough to get you started. Begin to incorporate these things in your life then sit back and watch as the years of extra weight and age begin to melt away. 

Here's to a fantabulous year. I look forward to all the good things to come. 

**Disclosure: I'm not a licensed doctor, therapist, or age reversal  specialist. Before you make any drastic changes to your lifestyle, consult with God and your physician. 

A Father's Love

This past my week, my girls spent Easter break with Grandma. My girls are usually good away from home and except for a few attitudes and being messy, they behaved quite well. Then it happened. Thursday night, Mom called me around 10:30 at night. She told me that while watching T.V. my oldest daughter broke down crying. She cried for her daddy. Mom tried to comfort her, to no avail. As Mom told me what was going on, I heard my baby crying in the background. I could imagine the tears flowing down her cheeks. My heart broke. The only thing that separated me from wrapping my arms around her was a 50 minute drive.

"Let me talk to her," I told Mom. Mo got on the phone. Crying, she mustered up a weak "Hi, Mommy." I asked her what was wrong. She said she really needed her daddy, she missed him. I asked her if she wanted to call him, but she said no. I didn't know what to say or how to help her. I felt helpless, and before long tears welled in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. My baby needed comfort and I didn't know how to make it better for her. I began to pray. I asked God to comfort my daughter,and to show her what an amazing support system she has, full of people who love and are cheering for her. Still, she cried.

After prayer, I talked to her. I asked her what prompted her thoughts of her daddy. Well, it turned out that spending time with her uncle, made her realize how much she missed her dad. I told her to thank God and her uncle for being there for her. I tried reminding her of all the great things God has blessed her with. But I knew she needed more. I began to remind her of a father's love that doesn't change or disappoint. I told her that since she's a child of God, she has the best Father any girl could ever have. Being a child of God makes her a princess. I reminded her that God is always there to listen to her when she needs to talk and that He only desires great things for her.

After while, my baby was calm again, no more tears. My conversation with Mo got me to think about how great our heavenly Father is. He sent His Son to this earth as a sacrafice for our wrongs in order to save us from eternal damnation. He watched in agony as His Son was tortured and hung from a cross enduring uninmaginable suffering. How highly God must value us all that He would give us such a wonderful gift.

As we celebrate Easter, let us remember, the sacrafice Jesus made for us, by surrendering to death on our behalf, then defeating death in order that we may enjoy salvation. At the same time, let us remember how much God the Father loved us, that He would be willing to let His Son die to save his other children who had turned away from Him. I can only imagine what pain God experienced as he watched His perfect Son bear the weight of the world's sins on His shoulders. A parent never wants to see their child hurt, but in His infinite love, grace, and mercy, God was willing to suffer with His Son in order that we might be saved and spend eternity with Him.

"It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two." Luke 23:44-45

I believe this scripture describes what God felt in the hours and minutes leading to His Son's death. The sun stopped shining. Can you imagine a day without the sun shining, being surrounded by total darkness, with not even a glimpse of moonlight? How dreadful, sad, and depressing. I imagine that's how God felt watching Jesus die for those who rejected him.

The curtain was torn in two. Have you ever torn up a piece of paper in anger? I have. It takes a lot of angry feelings for me to get to the point of destroying things, but I've gone there more than a few times. Scholars have theories on the symbolism of the curtain being torn, and it definitely fulfills prophecy, but I think this action also represents God's anger. I imagine God was livid with those who hurt his precious Child. Maybe He was even angry that sacrificing his Son was the only way to save the lost ones. Even being all-knowing, God knew the plan from the beginning of time, but in that moment, how mad must God have been to sit back and watch His Son being tortured. I know how angry I get if someone hurts one of my girls, but I can't even begin to fathom the level of anger God felt as He watched His Son breathe His last breath while nailed to a cross. Certainly angry enough to make the earth shake (Matthew 27:51).

God felt these feelings for Jesus when He suffered the horrible fate of death on the cross. But, you know what? God absolutely feels emotions for us, His children, too. When we hurt, God hurts for us. God is sad in our sorrow and pain. He gets annoyed when we disobey. He rejoices over us when we're happy. He's filled with pride when we surrender to His will, obey His commands, love and serve others, and seek His word to get to know Him better. How blessed we are to call God our Father. Even when our earthly fathers abandon or otherwise leave us, we have a Father in heaven who will never ever leave us. He's always with us, ready to carry us, love on us, comfort us, and all the other wonderful things a perfect Father does.

M.Y.O.B.

"But Mommy, it's not fair." I hear that from my girls several times a day. It's the response I get when they don't get their way or when one sister gets something the other wanted. For dramatic flare, both girls will cross arms, put hands on hips, and stare at me with their best pouty faces. When either child exclaims it's not fair in response to something someone else has or does, right or wrong, I respond by saying "life isn't fair." They both hate what I say that.
As often as the girls complain about how unfair things are, I admit I'm quite guilty of the same behavior. So often I've caught myself crying while comparing what I have to what my peers have. It's not fair that I work twice as hard as my coworker to get the same acknowledgment. It's not fair that their marriage thrives while my marriage failed. It's not fair that I don't get a tax refund, while folks who cheat get money back from Uncle Sam.
We live in a time where vanity and self promotion is celebrated. It's like we are all part of this game in which the goal is to one-up the next person. It happens out in the world and in the church. Have you ever wondered why God blessed the worship leader with such great vocal talent, while leaving you out there with the inability to carry a tune? Or how about that Sunday school teacher with such zest and zeal for teaching others about Christ. Or that crafty chick over there who can make garbage into a work of art while you can't make a stick figure man to save your life. We've all been there.
In John 21:20-22, Peter asked Jesus about the fate of another disciple. Jesus replied, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." In other words, mind your business, it's none of your concern, focus on me. What a fabulous lesson. What God chooses to do in or through another person is none of my business. I remember the saying "M.Y.O.B." when I was a kid...Mind Your Own Business. Yup, that's what Jesus told Peter to do. And, it's a message for us too. Instead of focusing our energy on what God is doing in someone else's life, ponder the many things He's working on in, through, and for you. Focus on Jesus. When we focus on our God, we can rest knowing He'll lead us in the right direction...toward Him.

He Turned His Ear to Me

I'm a Return to Work Coordinator. My job is to manage the medical leaves and workers' compensation cases for my employer and help facilitate the return to work process for injured/ill employees. Five days a week, eight hours a day, I listen to people tell me about their problems. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a counselor. I'm not a soundboard. Yet, day in and day out, employees feel the need to tell me everything. Even when I interject with, "Let me stop you there" or "That's confidential information which you don't need to share with me," they typically keep talking and talking and talking, typically divulging way too much information. They talk and I sit there and listen.

I never understand why employees, perfect strangers to me, feel comfortable enough telling me every detail of their health issues, or why their marriage is failing, or how their teenage son is acting out, or how the ex is wiping out the bank account. Once an employee took off his slipper and sock to show me his grossly swollen and sweaty looking foot (BARF! I threw up a little in my mouth). I hear everything from the weird and bizarre to the hilariously stupid ways employees manage to injure themselves on the job, to the very sad and depressing-here's a tissue for your tears and have you talked to your doctor about antidepressants? Co-workers have told me I'm a good listener. Others have said it's my quiet calming voice that puts employees at ease with me. Still others claim it's the "talker's" way of trying to earn sympathy points so I can help them get out of work. Whatever it is as long as they talk, I listen because that's a huge part of my job.

If I'm being honest,  there are times I don't want to hear what employees have to say. I don't want to hear volunteer victims complain about how all their problems are someone else's fault. I resent the employees who work the system by malingering. I can't stand the liars whose stories change every other day. I hate listening to the whiners. The ones who think they're entitled to everything including the kitchen sink really offend me. Sometimes when they talk to me I respond to their ridiculousness by having a seperate conversation in my head, because if I said what I were thinking out loud, it would be most unprofessional. I've mastered the head tilt-nod when I know the talker is full of crap. I show compassion to those I see are hurting and confused.

As much as I try to practice active listening, I'm so glad God doesn't listen like I do. When I listen, my A.D.D. causes me to frequently zone in and out of paying attention. I pass judgements in my head. I correct the speaker's grammar in said head. I look out the window and watch passers-by. I think about how much my feet hurt in the heels I wore. I visualize that sandwich on my desk waiting to be eaten. I plan dinner. I dread returning to my office in which an inbox approximately three inches thick of documents awaits me. I practically salivate thinking about salted dark chocolate while amazed that I'm not overweight considering how much and how often I eat. Maybe I'm not as good a listener as I appear to be, huh?

Thank God He isn't a distracted listener like I am. With the entire world under his feet and constant care, God still manages to listen to us. All of us. Each of us. He listens intently, with determined focus to every prayer, every moan, every cry, every hallelujah. He never turns away his ear from his children. That's freakin' awesome and blow my mind beyond comprehension. It amazes me to know that God cares so much about lil' ol' me that he will stop everything He's doing to listen to everything I have to tell him. It comforts me to know that in the middle of the night when I have no one to call, I can call God and he'll not only listen, but he'll answer too. How honored am I to know that I'm so important to God that he wants me to talk to him and he wants to hear what I have to say, even if all I can spit out is "God, it's me, Darlene. I had a crappy day and don't feel like talking!" He craves to hear all we have to say. God wants us to confess our deep dark secrets and tell Him about our day. He wants to hear us say, "Thank you, and I love you, God."

Thank you God for being the ultimate attentive listener. May I learn from you how to hear and listen. Whether it's my daughter's who need Mommy to shut up for once and hear what they have to say, or a friend who doesn't need advise but a listening ear, or a co-worker who needs to vent, Father help me open my mouth less and open my ears more.

I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live.      ~Psalm 116:1-2

Far Away

Ever been in a dark place so long that it becomes a way of life? Always winter...no sunshine, only rain and clouds. Sucks. That's kind of where I am now. I feel so out of touch. I feel far away from God now and am having a difficult time reaching out to Him. I feel like my spiritual well has been drained.

I took a break from attending church a few months ago because I start having panic attacks and depression set in. Most days I only get out of bed for my daughters. My internal suffering shouldn't be cast on their backs, so I have to wear a smile for them even when I'm crying inside. I went to church the past few weeks hoping there would be a breakthrough in my spirit. As I sat, I watched and heard the other chruch-goers worship and appear moved and spiritual. I felt nothing. Like a fish out of water, I felt out of place, like I didn't belong there. I heard the pastor preach his sermons and tried to listen, but a million thoughts swam through my head, so I couldn't focus on the messages. I sang along during worship and felt nothing. It's like I've had a spiritual breakdown.

I know God is there...somewhere. Why can't I feel His presence? Have I been so hurt and jaded by people in my life that I anticipate God will hurt me too? How do I find my way back to God? He says He'll never leave or forsake me, so have I forsaken Him? Is my hurt so important to me that I rather hold on to it than to promises of goodness God made me? Do I choose to hold on to my pain because I don't think I deserve joy? Do I cry because it's easier than smiling? Do I turn on the TV or music to drown out the noise in my head instead of opening my Bible because I don't want to confront my issues?

So many questions. The answers are too much for me to digest at this moment. Even typing this post is a bit overwhelming for me, so chances are it'll be posted in rough draft form...sorry. God is there. I suspect I feel too broken to let Him fix me. I know my problems aren't bigger than His power or love. I just have to learn to accept God's love and help. I'm used to doing everything by myself, without help, so it's hard for me to accept help from others-even from God. All I can do now is pray. I must continue to tell God how I feel. Lost. Tired. Sad. Confused. Frustrated. Hurt. Far far away. But I shall not disgard my faith. I trust God is there and loves me. He's waiting with His arms stretched wide for me to let him cradle and love on me. He's waiting for me. I guess I need to answer the question what am I waiting for?

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. ~Psalm 139:7-8

Shhh!

Alarm buzzers. T.V. Microwave dings. Refrigerator door opening and closing. Summons from the kids. Water running.  Toilets flushing. Music blaring. Cars, trucks and other automobiles. Phones ringing. Chit chatter. Copy machines. Printers. Tippity taps on keyboards. Laughter. Crying. Screaming. Feet running on the hardwood floors. Toys and gadgets.  Birds chirping. Dogs barking. Trees blowing in the wind. 

Noises. So many sources of sound surround me. I don’t like loud noises. I can’t tolerate multiple sounds at the same time. I hear everything around me. My eyesight isn’t too good, but man, I swear I have bionic ears. It’s a curse and a blessing. If someone talks to me, I’m easily distracted by all the other things that simultaneously make noise or move about. It confuses me sometimes. My attention will actually turn from the person talking to me to the bird that just landed in the tress and decided to chirp. Then I get a bewildered look on my face and the person I’m talking to surely thinks I’ve gone nuts.  It makes it difficult for me to hold a conversation for any stretch of time. The only noise I actively seek is the sound of the T.V. at night before I go to bed and as I sleep. At 3:01 every morning the cable automatically shuts off. Like clockwork, at 3:02, my body tells me it’s time to wake up to turn the T.V. back on (I can’t figure out how to change the settings so it won’t go off).  If I’m just kicking back and watching T.V., the volume is kept fairly low. When it’s too loud, I hear all the background noises and it drives me crazy.

Now, you’ll have to forgive me because this post is taking a completely different direction than originally intended. I was going to write about my fabulous quiet day off work last Friday, but as I started this paragraph, I was slapped with this thought…

With so many distractions, sounds, and attention grabbers, I struggle sometimes, well if I’m honest, often times, with discerning God’s voice speaking to me. No, not an actual audible voice--I don’t think I’m mature enough in my relationship with God to have an experience like that. One such experience might land me in someone’s Psych Ward. Instead, I’m talking about that still small voice within that speaks when I seek comfort, guidance, or an answer from God. When I ask God if I should go left or right, stay or move, when I get an answer, how do I know if it’s God’s voice, my flesh, or other outward influences?

In my quest to have a closer relationship with God and remain in His will, I’ve learned discerning His voice isn’t necessarily as difficult as I tend to perceive it to be. Numerous scholars, theologians, pastors, teachers, etc. have spent years researching this very subject. I’m no scholar; in fact, I’m a college drop out. But I’m convinced I have the short form answer to learning to discern God’s voice. Stay with me, I think I can cover this in one paragraph…

Shut up. Listen. Verify. Yep, I said two words that are forbidden in my house…shut up! Shut your mouth and be quiet. Turn off all the distractions. Spend alone time with God. It’s hard to hear when you’re running your mouth. After all, your mouth shares a face with your ears-they’re only inches apart…I guarantee the words you speak out of your mouth will be the first thing your ears will hear. Listen. When you and your surroundings are quiet, you begin to hear things that you wouldn’t otherwise necessarily hear. I frequently tell my kids “you can’t listen to me if you’re talking at the same time I am.” It works that way with God. I can’t imagine all the times I didn’t hear what God was telling me because I was too busy running my mouth or distracted by other things. I think God is always having a conversation with us, but sometimes that conversation is one-sided because we ignore Him. I think the consequences of not hearing God are the same whether the action of ignoring Him is deliberate or accidental. Verify. So, I heard a voice and I think it was a message from God, but how do I know for certain? Everything God tells us can be confirmed by His Word, our guidebook, the Bible. God will never give us a message that goes against what the Bible says. Never. It’s so important to delve into the Word of God. Get to know what it says. Read it. Study it. Live by it. Use it as a roadmap for this journey of life.

See, I told you, one paragraph (a long paragraph that should have probably been three)! I needed this message to remind me to be quiet and listen to God. Is there more to the study of discerning God’s voice? Absolutely. But I like to keep things simple. Not to discount anyone’s in-depth study on this topic, but sometimes in order to learn something and commit it to memory and practice, complex parts must be broken into smaller pieces to be absorbed. I wouldn’t give you a block of tofu (steak for all you meat-eaters) and expect you to swallow it in one breath. A normal person would cut the tofu (steak) into smaller pieces to consume. Well, that’s what I just attempted to do with this very complicated subject of knowing God’s voice. Hopefully it worked. Now, shut up and listen!

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance…” 

-Proverbs 1:5 (NIV)