Ever been in a dark place so long that it becomes a way of life? Always winter...no sunshine, only rain and clouds. Sucks. That's kind of where I am now. I feel so out of touch. I feel far away from God now and am having a difficult time reaching out to Him. I feel like my spiritual well has been drained.
I took a break from attending church a few months ago because I start having panic attacks and depression set in. Most days I only get out of bed for my daughters. My internal suffering shouldn't be cast on their backs, so I have to wear a smile for them even when I'm crying inside. I went to church the past few weeks hoping there would be a breakthrough in my spirit. As I sat, I watched and heard the other chruch-goers worship and appear moved and spiritual. I felt nothing. Like a fish out of water, I felt out of place, like I didn't belong there. I heard the pastor preach his sermons and tried to listen, but a million thoughts swam through my head, so I couldn't focus on the messages. I sang along during worship and felt nothing. It's like I've had a spiritual breakdown.
I know God is there...somewhere. Why can't I feel His presence? Have I been so hurt and jaded by people in my life that I anticipate God will hurt me too? How do I find my way back to God? He says He'll never leave or forsake me, so have I forsaken Him? Is my hurt so important to me that I rather hold on to it than to promises of goodness God made me? Do I choose to hold on to my pain because I don't think I deserve joy? Do I cry because it's easier than smiling? Do I turn on the TV or music to drown out the noise in my head instead of opening my Bible because I don't want to confront my issues?
So many questions. The answers are too much for me to digest at this moment. Even typing this post is a bit overwhelming for me, so chances are it'll be posted in rough draft form...sorry. God is there. I suspect I feel too broken to let Him fix me. I know my problems aren't bigger than His power or love. I just have to learn to accept God's love and help. I'm used to doing everything by myself, without help, so it's hard for me to accept help from others-even from God. All I can do now is pray. I must continue to tell God how I feel. Lost. Tired. Sad. Confused. Frustrated. Hurt. Far far away. But I shall not disgard my faith. I trust God is there and loves me. He's waiting with His arms stretched wide for me to let him cradle and love on me. He's waiting for me. I guess I need to answer the question what am I waiting for?
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. ~Psalm 139:7-8
