Alone? Not So Much.

I am a single mom of two beautiful girls…Mo & Mal. My girls are with me every waking moment except the when they’re at school and I’m at work, and the occasional visit to Grandma’s or Auntie’s house. Mo & Mal are by far the most important people in my life and I love them more than words can express. As a single mom, I suffer from what I call “single mom pride.” It’s this unreasonable expectation that pretty much says: as the head of my household, I am responsible for everything that makes a home function; I've gotta climb on chairs or step-stools to change light bulbs, I take the garbage out, I pay all the bills without any financial support beyond the monthly paycheck I earn, I pay my girls’ private school tuition, I fix things when they break, heck, I've even changed an electrical outlet-all these things I must do on my own without asking for help. If I have to ask for help, it shows a sign of weakness, and how dare I allow anyone to see me weak and vulnerable. 

I work so hard to fulfill both parenting roles (which by the way is impossible) that I tend overcompensate in some areas and unwittingly neglect others. More often than not, I run on fumes and Monster energy drinks. When I don’t have time or energy to do things I want to do with my children or have quality me time, I get mad (but, I won’t get into that…perhaps a future blog post). I also get lonely.

This past weekend, I felt especially lonely. I got pretty sick. I stayed in bed for three days, only getting up to take the girls to school and feed them. My house didn't get cleaned, I don’t remember cooking, I didn't go to work. My mom and sister tried to talk me into going to the doctor, but being the stubborn woman I am, I shrugged off their suggestions and convinced myself that I was fine. Turns out, I was wrong. Kind of.

One reason I didn't want to go to the doctor was because of my girls. I worried that if I went to the doctor, they’d find something wrong and keep me there. If I was held at the hospital, where would my girls go, who would take care of them for me? Who would make sure Mal gets takes her medicine? Who will give my girls their hugs and kisses? Who would remind Mo to lotion up and sign her daily agenda? Who will feed them healthy meals?  Mo's almost out of clean uniforms and Mal is low on clean undies...who will do their laundry? All those I’m-so-alone-there’s-no-one-here-to-help-me worries.

Turns out, I worried for nothing. When I needed help, help came flooding in. Coworkers’ made sure I got to the doctor. My Mom and Bro-in-Law drove about 50 miles to pick my girls up from school, pick me up from the doctor’s office (Mom even got out of the front sit to let me sit there, while she tolerated being in the crammed in the backseat with the girls), picked up my car (which Mom drove my because she didn't think I was in any condition to drive). When we arrived home, I uncomfortably watched my Mom and Bro tidy up around my messy house. Bro played with the girls and Mom packed Mal’s bag and took her home with her for a few days to give me time to rest (and probably to give me and Mom bonding time).

I’m not alone. There are people in my life that will do just about anything to help me out. Even when I feel help is far away, I know my people will do what they can to help when I’m in need. I hope they know I’d do the same for them in heartbeat.